Gross

Lately, I guess due to flu and whatever else is going around, I have had more than a few congested, snotty nosed, passengers. How do I know this? There is a certain segment of our society who would rather pull lugies down the back of their throat than blow their nose.

I had the radio uo to 22 and I could still hear the woman in the backseat snorkeling snot. It sounded like there was a fucking pig rooting around in the backseat.

For christ sakes. Blow your fucking nose.

Yes. I wipe down the car regularly.

5 times

There are days where I will pick up people from Walmart all day. Another day will be whataburger. Today was strip club day. It started at 130 pm. The club had not even opened yet. 4 Asians from Vancouver. As they are getting out of the car, I say have a good, have a nice, guys, I don't know what to say. They just laughed. I wish I could have said, don't get syphilis. That would have been better.

Picked up a guy that had spent some time in another strip club. I was very uncomfortable. He smelt like sweaty balls. What do you say to a guy who has just spent a few hours watching tits?

Then dropped off 3 strippers at three different clubs.

5 different clubs.

It was a bizarre day.

Note: I only took one person to church yesterday. One. Yesterday was Sunday. The heathens won.

The fastest route?

I picked up two girls in Fort Worth that were high as fuck. One couldn't stop giggling, the other was slurring her words, all of them. It was a long trip and the route was through a lot of surface streets and construction on I 35. We get to I 35 from Northside drive and the blonde giggly one says this:

'When I came home last night from the place we are going to, I found a really good way home. It was so much shorter and faster'

I am thinking, oh shit here we go....she does not like the route gps has chosen. Shit fuck  hell.

The other girl replies ' really? How did you do it?'

The blonde replies: "I can't remember, I don't know".

I have never laughed so hard at a passenger. Never. I snorted a couple of times. Apologized. And said, that was funny. Very funny.

I surmise that she probably came home the same way, but was so fucked up, it seemed really short.....

Solid walls

I drove up to the house. Older house in a shitty neighborhood. The house and yard were nice and tidy. Very nice actually. The man gets in my car. He is almost manic. He is going to pick up a car from an exgirlfriend. So, you can imagine the tales he told me about her.

He gets a phone call from his mother, this guy is in his 50's, they were talking about selling the house. He was like nope. Not going to take less than 70 grand. That house is solid red wood frame. Marble floors. Granite counters. It is solid. Mom, when my gun went off, the bullet did not even go through the wall. The walls are solid.

Wow. True test of craftsmanship. The 9mm test. I will remember that.

Me too

When I look in the rearview mirror, I see the word on his hat. SLUT

Me too brother. Me too.

An interesting thing happened today.......

My friend Faith contacted me today. A friend of hers needed help at her catering business. They needed a dishwasher. So I thought, what the hell. Something different today.

The kitchen is in downtown Fort Worth. I got there, put on my tennis shoes, tied my hair back and commenced to washing dishes. They make individual meals and deliver them. Nice commercial kitchen. During the course of the day, they were becoming more comfortable with me, and I with them.

At one point,  I was watching the chef make a mush out of lentils. Onions, garlic red wine, seasonings....it looked awful. I asked her what she was making. Vegan meatballs. Hmm. Are you going to add Bacon to them? She got me. Everyone in the kitchen laughed. Afterwards, I was offered a sample. Honestly, blech. They were awdul....

So to the interesting thing. Over the weekend, my son Dr Jeffery Hogan, tried to adjust me. I was so tight, he could not get my lower or upper back to move at all. I was in so much pain. He decided to give me a tens unit. I have been using it since I got home on Sunday, and it has been a life saver. I can actually walk without pain. And my spine is moving on its own...

So, I am trying to get all of the uses I can out of the pads. I only got 16....I put the pads on, this is the 4thuse.....not real sticky, on my lower back.

I go to the ladies room, pee. As I am pulling up my pants, both of the pads detach from my back. One drops inside my pants, the other falls into the toilet full of pee. The one that went down my pants is delivering very unpleasant shocks to my inner thigh, I am trying to disconnect the cord from the unit. I am just know that I am going to get electrocuted in the Methodist ladies room. I finally detach the cord. I pull the lead off of the pads. The picture below is the surviving pad. The other was flushed.

I prayed for it not to get stuck in the plumbing. As most of yall know, I am agnostic. But I was thanking God it was only a 9 volt battery.....

My lyft husband is a goofball

He texts me to see if I am available for a ride to the airport. Sure. I look up and then see this......omg. way too funny.

Being a mom

This post has very little to do with being an uber driver, in fact, nothing at all. It is all about being a mom of a 17 year old son.

We went to killeen this weekend to visit my eldest son, Jeffery, and his family. We had a great visit. It was wonderful to get away from the house. Jeff and I went to a beer meeting at his local brew store. It was not what I expected. It was not a meeting. It was a party. We drank a lot of good home brewed beer. A lot. 9% and higher. Ashley, my lovely sober daughter In law, had to come get us. We could not drive.

Today we got a fairly early start. Went to eat breakfast burritos. Then to Lowe's and bed bath and beyond. Bed bath and beyond is where the 'incident' happened. Trevor and I were wandering around looking at stuff. I really want an electric kettle. I make coffee with a French press every morning. I need a kettle. Then we wander into cookware. Trevor picks up a 1 quart pot and says we need it.

Some of yall may know this, I sold pampered chef for more than 3 years. During that time, I acquired a kitchen full of cookware, stoneware and various tools. My cabinets are full. I have 3 sets of cookware. Stainless, non stick and the white nonstick. I have a lot of fucking cookware. And I use it. All my cookware is hand washed. I never ever put it in the dishwasher....

So, my story continues....I am like what? Mom, we need this pot. Why? Because we don't have enough of them. Trevor, I say with great exasperation, we have 3 of those pots and 3 more that are just bigger than that small one!!?? But mom sometimes there is not a clean one. Oh Jesus christ, then WASH IT!! You don't buy new cookware because you don't want to wash a pot.....then he does an Eric cartman.....but mooouuummmm......I walked away. He snickered....

It was not a fart

But good lord women......3 tcu girls pile into the car.  The last one gets right behind me and rips the biggest belch ever belched in my honda civic. It made my hair rustle.....

I was like 'dude'

Um sorry...oh my God candy!!!

Squirrel

Strip clubs

Sometimes I get fares that terminate at the local strip clubs.

I had one today.

At 2:30 pm

He was in a hurry.he was actually counting dollar bills in the backseat. Please note he did not tip me.

I must also add that I am not comfortable taking men to strip clubs. They are just thinking about tits. It is not like we can talk about the weather. Because we both know he is thinking about tits.

We get there. He is getting out of the car, {what do I say}

Have a nice day- the day is virtually over and considering where I am dropping him Off, do I really want him To have a nice time?

Have fun-no. No.no.

Don't get syphilis. Yeah. That is the one that I am going to go with. Don't get syphilis. That just implies that we both know what you want to do in there. My farewell parting implies that you should not do it. Go home with blue balls. Whack off. But don't get syphilis.

And next time tip your driver. I am working through college too. Bastard.

The places you go, the things you see, you never know who you are going to pick up. 

In this case, my future retirement home roommates daughter.

On her way to school. Future anthropologist. 

Yesterday I picked up 2 ladies and took them 4 tenths  of a mile down 8th St in Fort Worth. When they get in the car I say that this is going to be the longest ride if the day. They were like really? I just laughed. It was sprinkling like three hours beforehand.

Epic quotes from tonight

Took a Pakistanian girl to a hookah lounge. We are dropping f bombs and making horrible generalizations about alot of groups. She then told me a story about as a retail clerk, she got cussed out in Spanish, because she did not understand Spanish. So she returned the cuss out in Arabic. She said the lady just stood there, like what the fuck just happened.

Second story

I pick up 4 oriental young men from a Asian tea room. They are total hipsters. Hair, clothes, backpacks, phones with power supplies, and even a hockey like face mask. GPS totally goofed up on me. I was preparing to take a left turn from under the highway, I took the left turn while realizing too late that I no longer had the green light.  I have never been so close to getting hit by 3 cars....during the entire turn I am screaming FUCK ME!!FUCK ME FUCK ME!@ They are all screaming like little girls.....we did not get hit....the dude next to me said: "THAT WAS DOPE"

OMG

A great day

I had the best time at Joanns today. I needed yarn and some contrasting fabric for a shirt that I am going to make. I also found some contrasting fabric for Trevor's robe. That is a whole other story.

Then I find this in the mccalls book

. Ecstatic is not even the word. I had found this pattern online, but it was not in the stores. It would have cost nearly 20 bucks with shipping. Too much. Today, I got it for 1.99.

I was so excited I was just about to burst. And I got the last one!! I hovered around the book table and finally, I could not hold it in any longer. There were two women sitting at the book table. Slowly going through pattern books. I gushed all over them. How I found the pattern. Then it wasn't in the store. And that I finally found it. Right then. In the book. In the drawer. The last one!!! Look. I held it in both hands and showed it to them.

These two women both looked up, sniffed the air, then continued flipping through the books. I was stunned. But then I was like, fuck these bitches. They aren't bringing me down. As a was feeling up calico and batiks, I shared my story 3 times to perfect strangers. Fanning myself with the pattern. I was pretty worked up. If there had been a half way decent smelling man there,  I would have molested him on the spot.

By the time the cut lady was done with your fabrics, I was wishing some ladies good fortune on their projects and them with mine. I left Joanns floating on air.

Great day

Skimmed the "dossier"

....true or not, one of the most prophetic statements said in my car by a passenger. 'Tanya, people don't get to those types of powerful positions, unless someone more powerful has something on them.'

Apparently, truth is golden.....

I am going to post it here. As I found it hard to read on my mobile device....so.

I was pissed for all of my Christian friends

I picked up a carload of girls at dfw today. No luggage. 2 from Idaho, 1 from Washington, another from Canada. They were here for a Christian conference. They shuttled from the hotel thinking that they could take the train to the stockyards. But alas, no more trains today.

So the young lady sitting next to me, Emily, had a lot of questions about dallas Fort Worth. I answered them as best I could. Then she asked me about religion. It was her understanding that there were a lot of religous people here. I replied yes. There are. Explained the blue laws that still exist. Etc etc. She asked if I was religous. I said no. Fully agnostic. But respect those that have faith.

A little about me. I am so agnostic, I am almost atheist. But i do think that there is a higher power, or powers. Organized religion is not my thing. I have tried. Nothing took. Both of my children believe and I support them and anyone else that believes.

So back to my story.

This stupid little cow, Emily, then says this: I understand that there are a lot of Christians here, but their faith is empty. I am like, what the fuck did you just say? I am thinking: you pious little bitch. How dare you question the faith of an entire community. You are so fucking smug. I asked what do you mean? Well you know their faith is empty. I replied, well no, I don't know that. She then said: believing how you believe, does it bother you that there are so many that are really faithless who call themselves Christians. I replied: I don't really think that it is up to me to gauge or judge anyone's faith or lack thereof.

I was so angry. I don't know why this little twat thought she was is so superior to everyone else. Maybe that is something she learned in her little conference.

This is one of the main reasons I don't go to church. But not why I don't believe.

If they are installing pee exhausts, and labeling them on big trucks, I don't think I will ever ride in a convertible again....js

It was almost a bad night

While up in frisco at about midnight, I decided to make a pit stop at qt. Since it was so cold, and not wanting to get under a half tank, I filled up the car. Then immediately afterwards I emptied my bladder. Grabbed a 69 cent donut, then I got a lyft. Paid. Ran out to the car, picked up the passenger and delivered him.

I dug through my coat pocket. Only one glove. Shit. I drove back to qt. To my delight, it was laying on the ground. Thank goodness.

It is not a beautiful glove. It is well worn. And I would have missed it dearly.

Uber tip 1

When it is 36 degrees and the wind is howling while waiting at the airport, park on the south side of a big ass suv. I can survive the duration with my car off by not getting buffeted by the wind.

Shit. Damn. Fuck

The asshole just left.

Smh

A slap from the past

I mentioned a slapping incident yesterday when posting about my ride with Scott. Below is the Facebook post, edited. These guys were fun. We also drove on the sidewalk to get to whataburger.

Enjoy

Mar 27 2016

I had two very over the top gay men in my car. They were grabassing and just being two drunk dudes, that kiss each other.

Towards the end of the trip, they started threatening who was going to slap who, and how hard.....one then said for about the sixth time, STOP WE ARE NOT ALONE. Then asked me, are we getting on your nerves? No, I replied. But I think you should slap the shit out of him.

Then they loved me. But not on me.

I picked up this very nice gentleman from dfw airport. It was his first ever uber experience. He was very excited. I could sense that he was a very nice man. So I refrained from telling him that I was going to pop his uber cherry. And I was correct. He is a Mormon. Thank God I kept my mouth shut. 

I told him about my fledgling of a blog, how it got started and where I see it going in the future. He was very interested. He is a marketing professor from Michigan.

Then he asked me about some of my more colorful stories.....I could not tell him about the cocaine, blow jobs and gay slap fights. I chose the fire extinguisher story. Yes. Nice safe story...then the car filled up...and I was like what the hell??!!

Know your audience folks. 

If you are reading this Scott, it was very nice to meet you. Thank you for riding with me. I hope you enjoyed your very first lyft ride!!

Gas for rich people

Need I say more

German exchange student

Very nice young woman. From Fort Worth to the airport we had a very nice conversation. I told her that I did not detect a German accent at all, she sounded Nordic.

So anyways, I ask her a ton of questions. One of the things that she likes about the United states is that the commradery at the schools. She said sports, band  etc. She said in Germany, they do not have the same type of bonds. You know because they don't have football....I replied: but you have chess.....

She literally looked at me like I was the dumbest thing on this earth. I died laughing. I then explained to her that I have very poor impulse control and I did not intend to insult her or her country. THEN, she laughed...a little...

Ugh. New years driving. Busy. Overrated.

A couple of notable rides.

First I pick up a guy near oak lawn. Real nice. We chit chat. He said that he loved his apartments location near all of the gay clubs. I said yeah it is real convenient if you are also gay. Gay men love me.

A gaggle of drunk girls got in my car. Annoying as hell. When they started throwing the candy from my sweet basket, that was it. I yelled at them, stop throwing shit in my car. I was just giving my friends candy. I replied, that is not how you do it.

The last ride of the night was funny and annoying. First the address that they gave me was on the other side of where they were in a huge apartment complex in addison. When I finally find them, drunk. One is drunk. The other is pissed at the drunk. We are going to taco bell. When we get there closed. We drive back to the apt. The drunk one refuses to get out of the car. He orders a new lyft, insists the other dude gets back in the car. We go to McDonald's, taco Bueno, finally hit a taco cabana. The entire time he tells me how to get to where we are going. Totally annoying. But oh well. We are driving back and they are arguing in my back seat. I go straight on belt line to vitruvian, following gps. He yells at me. Where the fuck are you going? I told him he needed to crawl out of my ass...you were to busy talking smack in the backseat. If navigation was that important to you, you should have paid more attention. He shut up. When we got to his apt. His friend slipped me a 10, he said. I am sorry. I thanked him. It was now 4 am.

I drove home. Arrived at 448. Dog tired. Not worth the effort.

And then this....1 mile shy. Shit.