Today, I was told i could do anything I wanted in this house but make kimchi.
Might be a deal breaker.
Monday, June 26, 2017
I don't know if I am going to be able to fully capture the events of last night. I cannot even think of the correct adjective to describe it. Scary, hilarious, dumbfounding....you tell me.
Trevor had two friends over last night. They did what most teenage boys do, they played xbox till they got bored then came out into the living room with Angie and I. The living room is large. There is a big L shaped sofa, the Cindy Crawford chair, a true piece of shit chair. It is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I have ever sat in. There are also 3 dogs. They range in size from 45-140 pounds. I am laying on one end of the sofa, Angie is in the piece of shit chair. The boys come in, Trevor sits next to me, Austin gets comfortable in the corner and Randy sits on the end of the L.
We are all talking and having a pretty good time. Angie and I are making fun of the boys. Needling them you know. We enjoy doing that. We think that Randy may be either a little bit bi polar or just real stupid. So, he is real fun to fuck with. Austin is stoic, quiet and along for the ride.
There is another character that will soon be introduced to the scene, Tom. Tom is very bipolar. He had been ramping up all afternoon. Drank some wine, and he was tuned all the way up. Angie and I basically just ignore Tom when he is in this state, as it really does not matter if we pay attention or not. Words bounce off of him. And he is going to say and do exactly what he wants no matter what our reaction.
So, Randy starts praising Trump. The second time that he said something positive about Trump, Tom walked through the living room. Angie and I knew instantly, Tom was triggered. There is a lot of shit going on right now that really concerns Tom. He starts ranting in Randys direction. He goes into the kitchen, ranting the entire time, he intends to get a beer out of the refrigerator, but instead comes back with a full bottle of ranch dressing. I was wondering, is he going to beat the child with the hidden valley ranch? It was the largest bottle ever sold. (Side note: Angie is attempting to buy Trevors love with salad dressing). He goes back into the kitchen, gets the can of beer continues ranting. It really does not matter what words he said, but they included: You little fuck, bastard, dumbass, retard, who do you think you are, you are in my house, I am going to my room, when I come out, I want you out of my fucking house. etc etc.
At first, Angie and I were giggling....we hid behind our quilts not believing our good luck at the unexpected entertainment. We knew the progression of the building rage, we also knew that it would wane. He just needs to get it out......Most people would have shut the fuck up and stopped poking the beast. But not Randy. He is a 17 year old boy who listens to Fox and believes all the hype, who is also bi polar, he would not shut the fuck up. Tom is not a big man. About 5'10 or so, average weight. He looks a little like Charles Manson when he is lucid. His skull appears to be about an inch thick. His hair is long mostly gray. At this point he looks a lot like Jack Nicholson in the shining when he is chopping his way through the bathroom door....except with long wild gray hair. Tom loomed over Randy, who obliviously ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese as if nothing was going on. Lapping it up, licking the spoon, scraping the side of the bowl, thoroughly enjoying the meal. It was unreal. Tom is tuned up to 100. The dogs are barking. Angie is trying to get this stupid kid to shut up, then Randy sees that Tom has a vape. Can I try it he asks? Tom hands it to him. I was astounded. While he is vaping, he throws out the question, do you like Obama??
Oh jesus fucking god.
The smallest dog, bucky and arguably the least intelligent of the three, did not like the chaos. She began barking. A real high pitch bark. Even though Tom was by far the loudest, pacing and using his arms like wings, she sided with everyone else in the house, she did not like Randy at all. Angie held her by the collar. She would lay down on her side, bark and whine to herself. Stand back up and bark some more.
This child was bashing liberals, gays, transexuals, Obama, open borders, Hillary, Bernie....all the hot topics from the extreme right hate list. It would have been different if they were conversation starters, but this kid was baiting. Angie and I asked him who does he know that is gay, liberal, loves obama etc etc. None of his pontifications were based on any personal experience. We suggested that he should do some research and maybe watch some Cspan, but in the meantime, he needed to shut the fuck up.
Then he says if we turn off the ceiling fan, he will blow smoke rings for us. Dude we are not interested in your damn smoke rings.
The last insult, I got up before anyone else and went to the restroom. There was a puddle of pee on the floor in front of the toilet. I asked Trevor to move the swiffer and pinesol into the bathroom and tell the boys someone, I don't care who, needs to clean it up. Trevor comes back into the living room, Randy claimed that the dogs peed on the floor. All the dogs are female and do not pee in the house. Period. I went into the bedroom. Guys, the dogs did not pee on the floor. I don't care which one of you did it, but I want it cleaned up. It was cleaned up. I don't know who did it. I don't care.
Trevor has had many friends come over to spend the night for the past 12 years or so, this was by far the worst experience ever. Needless to say, Randy will not be invited EVER again.
Trevor had two friends over last night. They did what most teenage boys do, they played xbox till they got bored then came out into the living room with Angie and I. The living room is large. There is a big L shaped sofa, the Cindy Crawford chair, a true piece of shit chair. It is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I have ever sat in. There are also 3 dogs. They range in size from 45-140 pounds. I am laying on one end of the sofa, Angie is in the piece of shit chair. The boys come in, Trevor sits next to me, Austin gets comfortable in the corner and Randy sits on the end of the L.
We are all talking and having a pretty good time. Angie and I are making fun of the boys. Needling them you know. We enjoy doing that. We think that Randy may be either a little bit bi polar or just real stupid. So, he is real fun to fuck with. Austin is stoic, quiet and along for the ride.
There is another character that will soon be introduced to the scene, Tom. Tom is very bipolar. He had been ramping up all afternoon. Drank some wine, and he was tuned all the way up. Angie and I basically just ignore Tom when he is in this state, as it really does not matter if we pay attention or not. Words bounce off of him. And he is going to say and do exactly what he wants no matter what our reaction.
So, Randy starts praising Trump. The second time that he said something positive about Trump, Tom walked through the living room. Angie and I knew instantly, Tom was triggered. There is a lot of shit going on right now that really concerns Tom. He starts ranting in Randys direction. He goes into the kitchen, ranting the entire time, he intends to get a beer out of the refrigerator, but instead comes back with a full bottle of ranch dressing. I was wondering, is he going to beat the child with the hidden valley ranch? It was the largest bottle ever sold. (Side note: Angie is attempting to buy Trevors love with salad dressing). He goes back into the kitchen, gets the can of beer continues ranting. It really does not matter what words he said, but they included: You little fuck, bastard, dumbass, retard, who do you think you are, you are in my house, I am going to my room, when I come out, I want you out of my fucking house. etc etc.
At first, Angie and I were giggling....we hid behind our quilts not believing our good luck at the unexpected entertainment. We knew the progression of the building rage, we also knew that it would wane. He just needs to get it out......Most people would have shut the fuck up and stopped poking the beast. But not Randy. He is a 17 year old boy who listens to Fox and believes all the hype, who is also bi polar, he would not shut the fuck up. Tom is not a big man. About 5'10 or so, average weight. He looks a little like Charles Manson when he is lucid. His skull appears to be about an inch thick. His hair is long mostly gray. At this point he looks a lot like Jack Nicholson in the shining when he is chopping his way through the bathroom door....except with long wild gray hair. Tom loomed over Randy, who obliviously ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese as if nothing was going on. Lapping it up, licking the spoon, scraping the side of the bowl, thoroughly enjoying the meal. It was unreal. Tom is tuned up to 100. The dogs are barking. Angie is trying to get this stupid kid to shut up, then Randy sees that Tom has a vape. Can I try it he asks? Tom hands it to him. I was astounded. While he is vaping, he throws out the question, do you like Obama??
Oh jesus fucking god.
The smallest dog, bucky and arguably the least intelligent of the three, did not like the chaos. She began barking. A real high pitch bark. Even though Tom was by far the loudest, pacing and using his arms like wings, she sided with everyone else in the house, she did not like Randy at all. Angie held her by the collar. She would lay down on her side, bark and whine to herself. Stand back up and bark some more.
This child was bashing liberals, gays, transexuals, Obama, open borders, Hillary, Bernie....all the hot topics from the extreme right hate list. It would have been different if they were conversation starters, but this kid was baiting. Angie and I asked him who does he know that is gay, liberal, loves obama etc etc. None of his pontifications were based on any personal experience. We suggested that he should do some research and maybe watch some Cspan, but in the meantime, he needed to shut the fuck up.
Then he says if we turn off the ceiling fan, he will blow smoke rings for us. Dude we are not interested in your damn smoke rings.
The last insult, I got up before anyone else and went to the restroom. There was a puddle of pee on the floor in front of the toilet. I asked Trevor to move the swiffer and pinesol into the bathroom and tell the boys someone, I don't care who, needs to clean it up. Trevor comes back into the living room, Randy claimed that the dogs peed on the floor. All the dogs are female and do not pee in the house. Period. I went into the bedroom. Guys, the dogs did not pee on the floor. I don't care which one of you did it, but I want it cleaned up. It was cleaned up. I don't know who did it. I don't care.
Trevor has had many friends come over to spend the night for the past 12 years or so, this was by far the worst experience ever. Needless to say, Randy will not be invited EVER again.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Labor and Delivery
My best friend, Angie, was super excited that she was going to be able to help a coworker birth her baby. Angie arrived at the house, while she was eating dinner, I offered to go with her. Knowing full well, I could be in for a long night.
I was.
We arrived at the hospital, got settled into a room, and wait for the inducement to begin. This was the sixth baby. She had been through it before, however, first inducement. Needless to say, she was nervous.
So, I do what I do best. Let my full personality go. This can be a dangerous thing to do. There are a lot of people that cannot handle full on, in your face, crude, honest and amazingly funny (modest) Tanya. Yeah, I just did that. She could handle it. I think I used the word Cunt, 43 times. Don't worry, I only used it when it was appropriate.
I was into a really good story, F bombs were flying. The C word was flying. And, the nurses kept checking her cervix. Angie and I had a solution for that, the blanket
....I finished it before 11. We used it as a privacy curtain. We would hold it up to protect ourselves. I digress. Then at about 10 pm, the woman next door starts screaming. I don't mean a little yell, or yipe, a full on scream. We had finally settled our patient down. We told the hospital staff that I was the midwife and Angie was the babies daddy. Then the woman is screaming. She is nervous again. Then Angie and I start making fun of the screamer....that worked.
One side of the little love seat turned into a pull out bed. I took the first shift of sleeping. Woke up a couple of times. Offered the 'bed' to Angie. She declined. Finally at 5 am, she took it. I warned her that I had named the 'bed' the rib cracker. The metal bars were right at the ribs. Very uncomfortable.
I sit on the other side of the loveseat, prop my feet on Angies 'bed', scoot my butt to the edge of the cushion, then lean into the seat back, and fall back to sleep. Angie and I shared the blanket. We slept like this for about 3 hours.
When 9am rolled around, coffee was desperately needed. Downstairs to the coffee kiosk. The oldest employeed woman in Tarrant county worked that coffee counter alone. She was about 100. She moved like she was 110. I ordered a cup of coffee. I reflected on the woman age and agility. I decided that I could not be responsible for any injuries if I ordered something like a latte. That bitch Angie order a Venti Carmel Machiatto with extra pumps and extra shots. I was like, FUCK. It took forever. I asked the centenarian to leave room for cream. I went over to the half and half, it was empty. I asked for it to be filled. Meanwhile, Angie asks me, what is half and half? I looked at her, and said It is like half of the cream, then they add the other half of the cream. I could see out of the corner of my eye. The people in the line behind us, about 5 deep, are looking at me in disbelief. Then I said, yep, that is how they do it.
So, we watch the Comey hearings. I needed nicotine. I had my vape. But no vaping smoking in the hospital. But I was like, Fuck it. I start vaping. At one point, Doctors and nurses enter the room. They were like, it smells good in here. Angie said that we had just ate. She was like no, it is like cotton candy. I said oh, that is my gum. Angie said yeah, her breathe is amazing. Then I exhaled really violently and loud. I said, yes it is. All the while moving my vape behind the coffee cup.
So, it is about 130, we are hungry. I order Subway from Uber, to get it delivered to the hospital. If you would like to get $10 off your first order, download ubereats and use this code: 5DALEATS1434
Thank you in advance.
She feels pressure. They check her. She is a 10. My food is 5 minutes away. I run downstairs. get the food. Get back upstairs. 10 minutes tops. She had the damn baby. She pushed one time. I walk in with two subway sandwiches. Angie is crying. She pushed once!! The baby was in the warmer getting wiped down.
I got to touch a baby that was only minutes old. I touched his face and he relaxed. Such a beautiful baby. Angie got to hold the baby first. She took him to mom. I sat down and ate. I gobbled down that fucking sandwich. When mom started eating. I got the baby. Then the nurse brought in the bottle. I got to feed the baby. It was so precious.
We left about 2 hours later. The baby swaddled. The mother fed and content. We are home. We are tired. It is hard being a smart ass with a big heart.
My best friend, Angie, was super excited that she was going to be able to help a coworker birth her baby. Angie arrived at the house, while she was eating dinner, I offered to go with her. Knowing full well, I could be in for a long night.
I was.
We arrived at the hospital, got settled into a room, and wait for the inducement to begin. This was the sixth baby. She had been through it before, however, first inducement. Needless to say, she was nervous.
So, I do what I do best. Let my full personality go. This can be a dangerous thing to do. There are a lot of people that cannot handle full on, in your face, crude, honest and amazingly funny (modest) Tanya. Yeah, I just did that. She could handle it. I think I used the word Cunt, 43 times. Don't worry, I only used it when it was appropriate.
I was into a really good story, F bombs were flying. The C word was flying. And, the nurses kept checking her cervix. Angie and I had a solution for that, the blanket
....I finished it before 11. We used it as a privacy curtain. We would hold it up to protect ourselves. I digress. Then at about 10 pm, the woman next door starts screaming. I don't mean a little yell, or yipe, a full on scream. We had finally settled our patient down. We told the hospital staff that I was the midwife and Angie was the babies daddy. Then the woman is screaming. She is nervous again. Then Angie and I start making fun of the screamer....that worked.
One side of the little love seat turned into a pull out bed. I took the first shift of sleeping. Woke up a couple of times. Offered the 'bed' to Angie. She declined. Finally at 5 am, she took it. I warned her that I had named the 'bed' the rib cracker. The metal bars were right at the ribs. Very uncomfortable.
I sit on the other side of the loveseat, prop my feet on Angies 'bed', scoot my butt to the edge of the cushion, then lean into the seat back, and fall back to sleep. Angie and I shared the blanket. We slept like this for about 3 hours.
When 9am rolled around, coffee was desperately needed. Downstairs to the coffee kiosk. The oldest employeed woman in Tarrant county worked that coffee counter alone. She was about 100. She moved like she was 110. I ordered a cup of coffee. I reflected on the woman age and agility. I decided that I could not be responsible for any injuries if I ordered something like a latte. That bitch Angie order a Venti Carmel Machiatto with extra pumps and extra shots. I was like, FUCK. It took forever. I asked the centenarian to leave room for cream. I went over to the half and half, it was empty. I asked for it to be filled. Meanwhile, Angie asks me, what is half and half? I looked at her, and said It is like half of the cream, then they add the other half of the cream. I could see out of the corner of my eye. The people in the line behind us, about 5 deep, are looking at me in disbelief. Then I said, yep, that is how they do it.
So, we watch the Comey hearings. I needed nicotine. I had my vape. But no vaping smoking in the hospital. But I was like, Fuck it. I start vaping. At one point, Doctors and nurses enter the room. They were like, it smells good in here. Angie said that we had just ate. She was like no, it is like cotton candy. I said oh, that is my gum. Angie said yeah, her breathe is amazing. Then I exhaled really violently and loud. I said, yes it is. All the while moving my vape behind the coffee cup.
So, it is about 130, we are hungry. I order Subway from Uber, to get it delivered to the hospital. If you would like to get $10 off your first order, download ubereats and use this code: 5DALEATS1434
Thank you in advance.
She feels pressure. They check her. She is a 10. My food is 5 minutes away. I run downstairs. get the food. Get back upstairs. 10 minutes tops. She had the damn baby. She pushed one time. I walk in with two subway sandwiches. Angie is crying. She pushed once!! The baby was in the warmer getting wiped down.
I got to touch a baby that was only minutes old. I touched his face and he relaxed. Such a beautiful baby. Angie got to hold the baby first. She took him to mom. I sat down and ate. I gobbled down that fucking sandwich. When mom started eating. I got the baby. Then the nurse brought in the bottle. I got to feed the baby. It was so precious.
We left about 2 hours later. The baby swaddled. The mother fed and content. We are home. We are tired. It is hard being a smart ass with a big heart.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Head (s)
I have got to admit something, I pick up stuff from the side of the road. I have found some really cool shit over the years. Lamps, tables, microrowaves, toys, guitars, and heads.
I saw these while I had a passenger in the car.
I stopped. I said look at those. I want them. The dude in the backseat said, I will get them for you. And he did.
I had to explain to the next passenger why I had two doll heads in my backseat. She acted like she saw creepy shit everyday.
I have got to admit something, I pick up stuff from the side of the road. I have found some really cool shit over the years. Lamps, tables, microrowaves, toys, guitars, and heads.
I saw these while I had a passenger in the car.
I stopped. I said look at those. I want them. The dude in the backseat said, I will get them for you. And he did.
I had to explain to the next passenger why I had two doll heads in my backseat. She acted like she saw creepy shit everyday.
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