This hummer insults my senses on so many levels. Why in the hell would someone put these rims and tires on an off road vehicle? Then there are 2 canvas chairs rotting on top of the stupid looking thing.

Clearly status is more important than practicality.

What if you could call in to a radio talk show.....What would you like to talk about?

It has been awhile.

Lots of change.

All good though.

Between 5-7 cst , tune in to my new radio program: rolling with Roxie and Bill.

Download the app: tunein
find: joco community radio.....

Please tell your friends. People can listen from around the world.

Like our Facebook page: rolling with Roxie and Bill

Toss my tresses

You know we all see the lists of 27 things you can do to save money. I read those lists, and found one that I tried. Washing my hair with Apple cider vinegar.

First, I washed my hair with shampoo. As I had used hair spray and wanted to get all of that out. So, I start pouring a small amount of vinegar on the top of my already wet head. Rubbing it in. Then I made a huge mistake. I looked down. My eyes. Oh my fucking god. My eyes were burning like hell.  So i turn towards the shower to rinse out my eyeballs. Fuck. Now the Vinegar is in my mouth. Yuck. Spit. Cough. Cuss. Just when I think it could not get any worse, it went into another hole. Not that one you degenerates. My nose. Somehow, a good bit of it went up my goddamn nose. Now my eyes are watering, I can still taste it, and my nostrils are burning.

Now you are probably thinking, omg, I will never ever put vinegar on my hair. But you should. My hair is soft and feels healthier. Just close your damn eyes. Shut your mouth and don't breathe.

Captain Underpants

Well actually, Princess no under pants.  The story follows.

One of my worst fears is that I am going to miss a pick up appointment.  Last night I dutifully went to bed early enough to be rested when my alarm went off at 5 am.  I set my alarm, at least I thought I did.

I woke up at 624.  My passenger is 35 minutes away.  I need to be there by 7 am.  I peed, brushed my teeth, put on my pants, bra and blouse. No underwear.  There just was not any time to put them on.  I run out the door.  Arrive at her house at 703.

So now I am a little calmer, got her to the airport. Took her luggage out, get back in the car, put the car in drive, it stays in park.  Shit Fuck Damn. I knew what the problem was, a bushing.  a thirty cent bushing.  Call a tow truck. Wait for an hour.

The tow truck driver was a very nice young man in his mid 30's. We are passing time talking about general stuff.  He has children and a wife.  So I ask how many children does he have....9.  What the hell?? 9 kids.  All between 15 and 2.  At this point in the conversation I am very relieved that I had not mentioned that I was not wearing any panties.  Even though I don't carry a uterus, I was afraid that this young stallion could somehow impregnate me!!

He drops me off.  The mechanic knows exactly what needs to be done to fix the car.  As this is a common problem with trailblazers.  He fixes it in 30 minutes. Kristen came to the repair shop so that I could get cash to pay the mechanic.  I hid $4 in her car.  That was fun.  Telling someone that has OCD that you have changed their space by hiding something, is very entertaining.

The car is fixed.  I still don't have any panties on.  I am going to drink some coffee first.  Maybe I will go without panties all day today.  I am going to live on the wild side.

yep.  Princess no underpants.

Radio

A few weeks ago a friend of mine approached me about hosting a radio show.  It is internet radio.  Interesting.

So today I was asked to be a guest on her show.  It was a lot of fun.  Originally I thought I would do a show centered around Uber experiences.  But as I think about it a little bit more, I am leaning more towards just using my natural wit and unique insight on this little world of ours.  I was able to throw in a couple of tidbits today.  It was fun.

So, along with guests, I also am looking for sponsorship.  A business could sponsor the show for as little as $50 a week.

Let me know if you want more information.

Rollin with Roxie out.

Garage Sale Today

OMG. You guessed it, we had so much fun.  We were not very busy.  So, we picked on each other in between customers.

So, this is in the garage sale.

We positioned it over some cookware.  This was strategic.  As everyone that passed by would pick up this ugly thing.

We were waiting for someone to lift up the beard to expose this.

We got very very close.  A hispanic family stopped by.  The mother was going through the clothes that were laid out on sheets.  The daughters, about ages 9 and 18, were browsing the tables.  All of us got real quiet. We were watching the girls.  The oldest girl picked up the caveman doll. She shows it to her younger sister. All of the air was sucked out of the garage where we were sitting.  Because all 4 of us sucked in air at the same time.  Keep in mind that we had an industrial fan blowing on us hard at the time. So to evacuate the entire space of air, was very very impressive.  So she is dangling this thing in front of her sisters face. Shaking it back and forth. The giggles.  Stifling giggles.  There were lips bitten, blood was drawn.  All of us had a look of engaged horror.  But not one of us tried to stop it.  Then she laid the doll down.  The air was released back into the room. We were like oh my god.  That could have been really really bad. Yeah. Really bad. Really really bad.

the funniest garage sale moment ever.

Happy 4th of July

We attended the 4th of July parade in Burleson Texas.  The only reason I went is because Trevor was marching in the parade.  So, here we go.

I drop Trevor and the sousaphone off at the middle school.  I find a sweet spot with plenty of parking and lots of road frontage.  I let Angie know where I am located.  She was running a little late.  So I expected her to come down one of the side streets.  I WAS so WRONG.  That bitch is driving her little red car down the parade route.  A motorcycle cop starts pursuing her, lights on sirens blaring.  She passes me.  I don't know how she could miss me, I was dressed in pink and swinging my arms like a monkey, but she did.  Drove right by me with a motorcycle policeman chasing her in slow pursuit.

After we all got situated, in chairs and the dog, Dazy supplied with water, the parade began.  It was a slow parade 9 fire trucks, and 17 grand marshals. I brought the Allen Patterson bullhorn.  The grand marshals were all in separate cars marked grand marshal.  I got on the bullhorn, you all cannot be grand marshals!!  An old man from car number 3 yelled at me: "Grand Marshals are all purple heart veterans."  Well shit.  Thank you for your service.  Damn.

As mentioned previously, we brought Dazy.  She weighs on the heavy side of 125.  She is great Pyrenees mixed with Australian Shepard. She is a show stopper.  The Mayor of Burleson got off of his float to pet her.  A float of young children went by us, saw the dog, they all gasped at the same time and simultaneously threw candy at Angie and I.  I mean, they pelted us.  Dazy had a lollipop stuck in her tail through the rest of the parade.

We did our thing which consists of making snide remarks and allowed people to pet the dog. When Trevor's band went by us, we were loud and proud.

As long as Trevor is in band, I will attend the parade.

Yeah, we wore matching shirts.

Today, I was told i could do anything I wanted in this house but make kimchi.

Might be a deal breaker.

I don't know if I am going to be able to fully capture the events of last night. I cannot even think of the correct adjective to describe it. Scary, hilarious, dumbfounding....you tell me.

Trevor had two friends over last night. They did what most teenage boys do, they played xbox till they got bored then came out into the living room with Angie and I.  The living room is large.  There is a big L shaped sofa, the Cindy Crawford chair, a true piece of shit chair.  It is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I have ever sat in.  There are also 3 dogs.  They range in size from 45-140 pounds.  I am laying on one end of the sofa, Angie is in the piece of shit chair. The boys come in, Trevor sits next to me, Austin gets comfortable in the corner and Randy sits on the end of the L.

We are all talking and having a pretty good time.  Angie and I are making fun of the boys.  Needling them you know.  We enjoy doing that. We think that Randy may be either a little bit bi polar or just real stupid. So, he is real fun to fuck with.  Austin is stoic, quiet and along for the ride.

There is another character that will soon be introduced to the scene, Tom.  Tom is very bipolar.  He had been ramping up all afternoon.  Drank some wine, and he was tuned all the way up. Angie and I basically just ignore Tom when he is in this state, as it really does not matter if we pay attention or not.  Words bounce off of him.  And he is going to say and do exactly what he wants no matter what our reaction.

So, Randy starts praising Trump.  The second time that he said something positive about Trump, Tom walked through the living room.  Angie and I knew instantly, Tom was triggered.  There is a lot of shit going on right now that really concerns Tom. He starts ranting in Randys direction.  He goes into the kitchen, ranting the entire time, he intends to get a beer out of the refrigerator, but instead comes back with a full bottle of ranch dressing.  I was wondering, is he going to beat the child with the hidden valley ranch? It was the largest bottle ever sold.  (Side note: Angie is attempting to buy Trevors love with salad dressing). He goes back into the kitchen, gets the can of beer continues ranting. It really does not matter what words he said, but they included: You little fuck, bastard, dumbass, retard, who do you think you are, you are in my house, I am going to my room, when I come out, I want you out of my fucking house.  etc etc.

At first, Angie and I were giggling....we hid behind our quilts not believing our good luck at the unexpected entertainment. We knew the progression of the building rage, we also knew that it would wane. He just needs to get it out......Most people would have shut the fuck up and stopped poking the beast.  But not Randy.  He is a 17 year old boy who listens to Fox and believes all the hype, who is also bi polar, he would not shut the fuck up.  Tom is not a big man.  About 5'10 or so, average weight. He looks a little like Charles Manson when he is lucid.  His skull appears to be about an inch thick.  His hair is long mostly gray. At this point he looks a lot like Jack Nicholson in the shining when he is chopping his way through the bathroom door....except with long wild gray hair.  Tom loomed over Randy, who obliviously ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese as if nothing was going on. Lapping it up, licking the spoon, scraping the side of the bowl, thoroughly enjoying the meal.  It was unreal.  Tom is tuned up to 100. The dogs are barking.  Angie is trying to get this stupid kid to shut up, then Randy sees that Tom has a vape. Can I try it he asks? Tom hands it to him.  I was astounded.  While he is vaping, he throws out the question, do you like Obama??

Oh jesus fucking god.

The smallest dog, bucky and arguably the least intelligent of the three, did not like the chaos. She began barking.  A real high pitch bark.  Even though Tom was by far the loudest, pacing and using his arms like wings, she sided with everyone else in the house, she did not like Randy at all.  Angie held her by the collar. She would lay down on her side, bark and whine to herself. Stand back up and bark some more.

This child was bashing liberals, gays, transexuals, Obama, open borders, Hillary, Bernie....all the hot topics from the extreme right hate list. It would have been different if they were conversation starters, but this kid was baiting. Angie and I asked him who does he know that is gay, liberal, loves obama etc etc.  None of his pontifications were based on any personal experience.  We suggested that he should do some research and maybe watch some Cspan, but in the meantime, he needed to shut the fuck up.

Then he says if we turn off the ceiling fan, he will blow smoke rings for us.  Dude we are not interested in your damn smoke rings.

The last insult, I got up before anyone else and went to the restroom.  There was a puddle of pee on the floor in front of the toilet.  I asked Trevor to move the swiffer and pinesol into the bathroom and tell the boys someone, I don't care who, needs to clean it up.  Trevor comes back into the living room, Randy claimed that the dogs peed on the floor.  All the dogs are female and do not pee in the house.  Period.  I went into the bedroom. Guys, the dogs did not pee on the floor.  I don't care which one of you did it, but I want it cleaned up.  It was cleaned up.  I don't know who did it.  I don't care.

Trevor has had many friends come over to spend the night for the past 12 years or so, this was by far the worst experience ever.  Needless to say, Randy will not be invited EVER again.

Labor and Delivery

My best friend, Angie, was super excited that she was going to be able to help a coworker birth her baby.  Angie arrived at the house, while she was eating dinner, I offered to go with her.  Knowing full well, I could be in for a long night.

I was.

We arrived at the hospital, got settled into a room, and wait for the inducement to begin.  This was the sixth baby.  She had been through it before, however, first inducement.  Needless to say, she was nervous.

So, I do what I do best.  Let my full personality go.  This can be a dangerous thing to do. There are a lot of people that cannot handle full on, in your face, crude, honest and amazingly funny (modest) Tanya.  Yeah, I just did that.  She could handle it.  I think I used the word Cunt, 43 times.  Don't worry, I only used it when it was appropriate.

I was into a really good story, F bombs were flying.  The C word was flying.  And, the nurses kept checking her cervix.  Angie and I had a solution for that, the blanket

....I finished it before 11.  We used it as a privacy curtain.  We would hold it up to protect ourselves.  I digress.  Then at about 10 pm, the woman next door starts screaming.  I don't mean a little yell, or yipe, a full on scream.  We had finally settled our patient down.  We told the hospital staff that I was the midwife and Angie was the babies daddy. Then the woman is screaming.  She is nervous again.  Then Angie and I start making fun of the screamer....that worked.

One side of the little love seat turned into a pull out bed.  I took the first shift of sleeping.  Woke up a couple of times. Offered the 'bed' to Angie.  She declined. Finally at 5 am, she took it.  I warned her that I had named the 'bed' the rib cracker.  The metal bars were right at the ribs.  Very uncomfortable.

I sit on the other side of the loveseat, prop my feet on Angies 'bed', scoot my butt to the edge of the cushion, then lean into the seat back, and fall back to sleep.  Angie and I shared the blanket.  We slept like this for about 3 hours.

When 9am rolled around, coffee was desperately needed. Downstairs to the coffee kiosk.  The oldest employeed woman in Tarrant county worked that coffee counter alone.  She was about 100.  She moved like she was 110.  I ordered a cup of coffee.  I reflected on the woman age and agility.  I decided that I could not be responsible for any injuries if I ordered something like a latte.  That bitch Angie order a Venti Carmel Machiatto with extra pumps and extra shots.  I was like, FUCK. It took forever.  I asked the centenarian to leave room for cream.  I went over to the half and half, it was empty.  I asked for it to be filled.  Meanwhile, Angie asks me, what is half and half?  I looked at her, and said It is like half of the cream, then they add the other half of the cream.  I could see out of the corner of my eye.  The people in the line behind us, about 5 deep, are looking at me in disbelief. Then I said, yep, that is how they do it.

So, we watch the Comey hearings.  I needed nicotine.  I had my vape.  But no vaping smoking in the hospital. But I was like, Fuck it.  I start vaping.  At one point, Doctors and nurses enter the room.  They were like, it smells good in here.  Angie said that we had just ate.  She was like no, it is like cotton candy.  I said oh, that is my gum.  Angie said yeah, her breathe is amazing.  Then I exhaled really violently and loud.  I said, yes it is.  All the while moving my vape behind the coffee cup.

So, it is about 130, we are hungry.  I order Subway from Uber, to get it delivered to the hospital. If you would like to get $10 off your first order, download ubereats and use this code: 5DALEATS1434

Thank you in advance.

She feels pressure.  They check her. She is a 10. My food is 5 minutes away.  I run downstairs. get the food.  Get back upstairs.  10 minutes tops.  She had the damn baby.  She pushed one time. I walk in with two subway sandwiches.  Angie is crying. She pushed once!! The baby was in the warmer getting wiped down.

  I got to touch a baby that was only minutes old.  I touched his face and he relaxed.  Such a beautiful baby.  Angie got to hold the baby first.  She took him to mom.  I sat down and ate.  I gobbled down that fucking sandwich.  When mom started eating.  I got the baby. Then the nurse brought in the bottle.  I got to feed the baby.  It was so precious.


We left about 2 hours later.  The baby swaddled.  The mother fed and content.  We are home.  We are tired.  It is hard being a smart ass with a big heart.

Head (s)

I have got to admit something, I pick up stuff from the side of the road. I have found some really cool shit over the years. Lamps, tables, microrowaves, toys, guitars, and heads.

I saw these while I had a passenger in the car.

 I stopped. I said look at those. I want them. The dude in the backseat said, I will get them for you. And he did.

I had to explain to the next passenger why I had two doll heads in my backseat. She acted like she saw creepy shit everyday.

Family

This post has nothing to do with uber.

Over the past couple of weeks I have watched an entire family unit struggle with the health and wellbeing of a four legged member of the family. A 14 year old german shepard. She sure showed her age. Deaf, nearly blind, arthritis through her entire body. Over the past few weeks, she had declined. No tail wags. No joy at seeing her pack members. Just a daily struggle for just about everything.

Over the past few days, daughters and friends visited. Embracing the old girl. Bringing meaty bones that she could barely chew. Sneaking her tidbits off their plates. They switched off spending the night. Everyone struggling with the decision that had been made. Her Last 24 hours included a half dozen donuts and a couple pounds of cooked chicken. Lots of hugs, chin rubs and tears.

Yesterday was the day. She passed peacefully in her best friends arms. Meanwhile, at home, we were digging a hole. A pecan tree was purchased. I must mention that the digging party was pitiful. We tried to teach the young how to operate a shovel. We failed miserably. We took turns. Daughters, fiances, grandmother, grandfather, dad and I all helped dig the hole. Wide, long and deep.

When it was time to lay the old girl to rest, they all circled round, placed dirt on her, said goodbye one last time, and buried her.

As I stood in the kitchen watching the scene out the back window, I was touched by this wonderful family. They all loved her.

Rest in peace Kali.

Delivering food

Took two sausage burritos and orange juice to a high school. I went to the wrong entrance. I was so kisses off. I was yelling fuck fuck fuck at the door at the wall at the sidewalk.

I fucking hate delivering food

Berning man

today we went to see Bernie Sanders at Verizon theatre in grand prairie. First off, they made us pay to park. There was nothing about parking in any of the postings of the events. I was a bit ticked. Soon got over it though. 10 bucks gone.

We pull into the parking lot and park. Two cars. Some of us were finishing our Whataburger. I look over at the car next to us. A very handsome black man, gay, but handsome, gets out of his car. He has two boiled eggs in a Ziploc. I am like dude, you bringing eggs to a Bernie rally? He looked at me, then the eggs. Then told me that he was going to consume the eggs. I was like, just checking....pretty good laugh.

We get inside find great seating. Then I see a man that is a paramedic wandering around looking for people that are passed out. As he passes in front of us, I say excuse me, do you have any medical marijuana? He said no, but he had recreational.

Then we are rousted by an usher. She wants us to move. We resist. She offers is VIP seating. Let's go bitches. We are 3 rows from the front.

Perfect location to do this:

Squirrel

Sometimes I pick up peoe that are desperate for my services. Uber does not service the majority of the city I live in. I got a call. 3 ladies stranded in Burleson. Since they were upset, the phone call was a bit tense. But by the time I got there, they had settled down.

On the way to grand prairie, we sang Prince and Michael Jackson. They spotted my candy basket, indulged in mints. Then offered extra mints to one lady. She had 'wifely duties to perform. 7 minutes of wifely duties.

When we arrived at their destination, I offered her another piece of candy. I told her, please be careful and I hope that you are finished in 6 minutes.

Nice road

I had a young man in my car this morning. He waits tables at on the border. Training to be a bartender. He also does home improvement on the side.

We are on 635 where it crosses over Dallas North tollaway. He mentions that he worked on this 2 mile stretch for 2 years.

I asked him if he carved his name into the cement anywhere. 'Sergio was here'. No. But he thought it was a good idea. I then told him that stretch of 635 was my favorite part of the highway. So smooth and easy to drive on.....he thought I was serious. Thanks. But actually, I was thought it was pretty funny. I thought I was pretty funny.

Last night I met my brother to get Trevor. They went snowboarding in Colorado. We met at the love's truck stop in Burleson. We had so much fun.

Keith Miller and Tommy met us too. My brother lives on a highly modified prevost Bus. Tommy asked to use the bathroom. Jason shows him how to use the toilet and inferred that he would appreciate if he did not pee everywhere.  We were all standing around. I said, you know, Tommy has epilepsy. Jason was like oh wow. I said yeah. But he only has seizures when he is urinating........then I made motion like he was peeing everywhere.......too funny.

So we are outside the bus being silly. Jason needs to leave but there was an 18 wheeler block the way, a woman is leaned up against it, so we are just hanging out. THEN a massive row truck comes in really fast, screeches to a stop. The guy flies out of the cab, run around the truck. Fast walks to the 18 wheeler, and then starts pick in the door lock 🔐. We had so much fun at their expense. We were brutal. THEN after he got the door unlocked, she goes back to the bay and starts to clean her windows....she really deserved everything she got.....

We should have felt bad. But we didn't.

April 2016

On the way to taking a rider home, we stopped at 7-11 for cat food. I told him that I was going to use the facilities against my better judgement. As most of you know by now, 7-11, in my experience, have the most disgusting bathrooms.

This one was no different. It was horrible. In order to keep it in the same shape as it ways when I entered, i peed on the floor. Somewhat by accident. (Believe me???) My hovering skills are lacking.

Boxes

We are moving. I have been collecting boxes. Liquor store boxes. I asked Trevor to get them out of the car for me. Did you get the boxes out of the trunk?? Yeah Yeah yeah.....

I pick up my first passenger, one of my many lyft husbands, but my favorite, John Spivey. He comes back to the car door. Looks like you like vodka.

Damn. No airport runs for me today.

Over the weekend I took care of out of town guests of a regular passenger. All the driving was between mansfield and burleson.

Some things that were noted:

1. There are people that still print off map quest directions. And then proceed to get lost
2. You can instantly like people
3. 13 bottles of wine between 6 people is a lot of wine
4. The people you liked sober, you can still like when they are drunk
5. When invited to eat with the group, accept the invitation

At dinner, the boss was compared to what I learned was an asshole. The boss began filling up a straw with water and squirting it on the person who said it. Every time he squirted, she said: stop wetting me. You wet me. Stop wetting me. She did get pretty wet. It was hilarious. Somehow at dinner, guests at another table were encouraged to wet her. Instead of wetting her, one young man showed us his nipples. Nipples at dinner. Nice.

They had plans for bloody marys the next morning......maybe aftrrnoon.

All and all a good night. Entertaining. Good night..

I am your personal shopper

Picked up a young lady from the airport. The uber account was her father's. So all the communication to pick her up, went through him. We finally figured it out. She had two massive bags. One had to go in the backseat. They were UGE.

As we are traveling to dallas, we are getting along really well. She is a delightful girl. She suggests that I driver her around all afternoon. Sure. Why not.

One of the errands, look at used bedroom furniture from offer up. We drove to garland. On our way, I was advising about the things to look for when examining used furniture. Dovetail joints. She was going to spend 600 bucks. I wanted to make sure she got quality stuff. She did not know what dovetail joints were.

I tried to explain. But it was hard to do and drive. So, I asked her if she would like me to go in with her. She was like, oh please!! So I did. The furniture was beautiful. I would not have paid 650 for it. But I was not there to advise her in that way. I was there to check furniture joints. That is what I did.

Strangers helping strangers.

We had great fun. 3 hours. Exchanged phone numbers. I will probably be doing some sewing and more driving for her.

Great connection with a sweet girl.

Jumping jack flash

Whenever I get a ping at the airport, I always call the passenger. Uber tells me C15-26. I need to know the specific gate number, what they are wearing and instruct them to wait in the correct pick up zone.

So, that is what I did when I got Harold's ping. Very nice man. He was at c19 wearing shorts and a blue and white stripped shirt. He assured me that he was the only one in such an outfit. I thanked him for dressing unlike anyone else at gate c19. I told him. that I am in a blue honda civic and about 2 minutes away. He said great. When I see you I will start doing jumping Jack's so you can't miss me. I laughed. I said great. Looking forward to that. He then backed off, and said really no. He would not be doing jumping Jacks. I told him that, he had already committed, and I would be disappointed if he did not. He said, not going to happen.

So, I turn the corner, approach c19. I see Harold. He sees me. I flash my lights to signal that I see him. He starts doing jumping Jacks.

Top 10 ride of all time.

Slap fight

March 27, 2016

I had two very over the top gay men in my car. They were grabassing and just being two drunk dudes, that kiss each other.

Towards the end of the trip, they started threatening who was going to slap who.....one then said for about the sixth time, STOP WE ARE NOT ALONE. Then asked me, are we getting on your nerves? No, I replied. But I think you should slap the shit out of him.

Then they loved me.

March 31 2016

I picked up 3 people at DFW from Boston. They are here for wwe. Really stoked. Driving from the airport to Dallas. I took a wrong turn.

I said on our right Is the Dr Pepper bottling plant. The feigned absolute joy. Pulled out their cell phones. Faked taking pictures. They were awesome.

Marsha Marsha Marsha

That is what life is all about. Relationships.

Since I have been doing this uber gig, it has never been more true. I relieves texts and calls, hey! Will you be my uber? Heck ya

So I received one such message last week. A former coworker and a person that I considered a friend needed a ride. Her first day of work!! I was commissioned to get her there safely. Absolutely new to uber. Walked her through the app. In my car. Boom ready to go.

We reminisced about good times that we had. We laughed until we were almost crying.

When we worked together, we sat next to eachother. One of the things that we did too much of, trolling. We trolled a lot of people and blind copied eachother. When one of us posted to a blog or sent an email, we would slap the desk. That was the signal that you needed to check something out. I am quite sure we drove other coworkers insane.  It was some of the greatest fun I ever had. Our number one target was Allen Patterson. We would hit his blog so hard. We got kicked off. So then I started an allen patterson parody blog. That blog was up a full 6 months before Allen discovered it's existence. He called me. And he called me some of the most vile names a man could call a woman.....you Methodist grandma whore. Stuff like that. The entire time he is unloading his pattersonisque lashing at me, I laughed and laughed and laughed. I won that war.

Check out his blog. He is probably checking his stats from a erethreal Starbucks pounding double espressos. He will enjoy the jump in clicks:

http://thewhitedsepulchre.blogspot.com

Sorry, I regress.

We get to her new job. I did not start the ride in uber. Luckily, uber can fix that. We laughed some more. I tell her she looks pretty. Have a great first day. Hug her neck. I leave.

I get to Starbucks on everman. I get a text. I am supposed to start work tomorrow, not today. I double the order. Two blonde coffees with cream. We shared coffee in the car.

I know this post is a bit jumbled. I guess what I am trying to get at is this, fertilize your relationships every once in awhile. Sprinkle some water on them. Because even if months or years go by, reaping the rewards is priceless.

A story from December

It was dark outside. I am heading down a one way service road. My theory is that it is always better to undershoot a turn than to overshoot it on a one way. Passengers get irritated if we have to go a mile or two to get back to the one way...but they always appreciate a simple uturn.

So, I undershoot the entrance to a huge business complex. Then i get pinged for another ride. SWEET. We go around the back to the front. I drive to the pin. There is a huge marquee, but the name of his company is not on it.

There is a lady standing in front of the adjacent building, we ask her if she knows of the business. She does not.

So we go back on the street. No more marquees. We go across the street. I see an address 14201. I look at the address in the app. 14241. I said that it must be the first building. We pull up. I see the address. 14241. He is sweet. Thanks me for my persistence. Tips and gets out of the car.

I close out the ride. My next ride is 14221. NO FUCKING WAY.

I hope 50 feet pull up in front of the same lady, roll down the window, and say: Dorothy, I believe we have met. I am tanya your uber driver.

We both howled with laughter. 

She was the nicest lady ever.

Sometimes you meet people that just instantly pull at your heart strings. I picked up a couple from a shit hole motel in Fort Worth. She was nearly in tears. How much for the ride? I explained that I don't know etc etc. She was like I only have 13 dollars. I was like that should cover it.

They both get in the car. They are from Arizona. He had a job in Keller that fell through. Their car won't start. They pulled over into a Walmart parking lot to sleep. Wm called the cops. The police beat on the window. When he opened it. The cop reached in and turned the car off. They have a bad battery. After the cops determined that they were just sleeping, they let them go. But the car would not start.
 During the ride they ate a lot of candy out of my bowl. I turned off the meter and pulled Into a whataburger. They were hungry. Bought 4 burritos and gave them to the couple. They were in tears.

Long story about why they did not have any money. I dropped them off at their car. I hope that they got a jump. I could not afford to do more. I myself am flat broke. But felt like that I needed to do something for these two.

So many people have helped me when I really needed it. Pay it forward even when it hurts to do so.

I have never seen a speed limit sign that was not in increments of 5.....random?

Observation

I had a young couple in my car today. Very young. At one point she leans over to him, shows him a picture on her phone. And says: you were sitting here. Then points out where two or three other people were sitting. Where was she sitting? He replied,  she was not there. Then who was that? Some weird dude. I did not know him. She then says, is that the truth?

It was the words and the tone. I really wanted to impart advice to both of them.

To her: if you need to show snapshots of survelliance video and question your boyfriend about them, maybe this is not a relationship that you should be in.

To him: If you did something that deserves her mistrust, clearly, you will never have her trust again.

I predict misery for both parties.

But I kept my mouth shut.

Bubble wrap

I had a delightful man in my car today. He gave me directions without being an asshole. That was refreshing. We talked all the way from little elm to the airport.

Then we saw this.

We both commented that we probably would not ride in one of those. There is no crash zone. Even if it had air bags....then we both said almost simultaneously, but what if it had an air bag on the outside??? POOF!

Then we could hit it and bounce it along the highway!!! BRILLIANT!! Laughter filled the air.

I pick up a good looking black man in arlington. He is in his late 20's, like I said nice looking, and very polite. He sits next to me in the car. He turns to me and grinning from ear to ear, I am looking for an apartment.

The other really important detail about this young man, he smells like weed. Not just smells like weed, but absolutely reeks of weed.

So, I am debating with myself for about 5 minutes, should I or should I not say anything. I don't have a problem with weed at all. But this guy is not going to get an apartment smelling like he hot boxed for the past 4 hours.

So, I am like dude, I have been debating, Yada Yada, DUDE YOU SMELL LIKE WEED.
Yeah, my friends were smoking it. Well, just looking out for you brother.

Yeah. Thanks.

I am glad I didn't have any cookies in the car.

Things that make me feel good

An elderly lady clipping rosemary at a nursing home, gave me a branch today.

Best gift ever

Caption this picture

Interesting day

There has been a lot going on in our lives lately. We are on the precipice of great change. I speak of my family, Trevor and I. I have been frustrated, scared and maybe just a little angry. And to let you know a little about myself, I suffer, and I don't mean like falling on a sword suffering, but I battle with depression. Depression is a hard thing. Equally hard to describe. No matter how much I know I need to do something, when I get down, I am utterly incapable of doing it. It is a though my feet, my legs, my entire body are surrounded with wet thick cement. The hours slip by and nothing gets done.

Fortunately, I have a great sense of duty and commitment to others. So, if I say I am going to do something, it will get done. That happened today. A friend needed a ride from The airport. Boom. Action.

One of the things that makes me feel better is discussion. Heartfelt discussion. Even with strangers. That is one reason uber is good for me. Today I met two men. One from Mexico, the other from India. With all of the unrest going on in our world, I find it particularly stimulating to find out how strangers to our country see us.  The gentleman from Mexico is here legally on a work visa with his wife and two young children. He flies to Mexico every week on business. Upon his return since the executive order, it has been more difficult. Before, he has the documents that allow a finger print, check his documents and then he enters our country. Since the EO,
There is scrutiny, questions, many questions. And even though he can come here legally, he feels as though he is looked upon differently than he had been before. I find it disheartening.

The gentleman from India is worried. He spoke about the effect that it could have on the economy. He works and is getting his Masters. He believes that there will be a great decline in college enrollment, instructors and future immigrant employees. That trump will put EO into effect that will favor Americans over immigrants in the work place and in the schools.

Both of these men expressed that the people that need the opportunity the most are the ones that will be kept from it. People who don't have any glimmer of hope in their own countries, see a chance here. Both said that conditions are not good for the impoverished from the countries.

One thing that I, we must keep in mind, is that our ancestors were immigrants. There was a time when German, Irish or Chinese were treated differently than other immigrants. My family roots are hienz 57, German Irish and Lord knows what else.

Yes. I found these conversations uplifting. I was able to get out of my own head. Showing empathy with others makes them human. We need more humanity.

So yeah, I feel better. And right now, it is all about me.

Turns

So, I pick up a gentleman in his 30s from love field. It is a 7 mile trip. 25 minutes around 7pm. I use waze for navigation.

A little about waze. You have to learn to trust it. It can lead you into some dark places.

A little about my passenger. Tall good looking, quiet, very dry and knew who Douglas Adam's was.

A little about the trip. There were a lot of turns. Lots. I think there were at least 50. He asked if he was paying by the turn. That was funny.

I asked him if he had read hitchhikers guide? Yes, he replied. So I explained that it was my belief that waze, at that very moment was hooked up to the improbabilty drive. Because it was the most improbable route and absolutely cannot be duplicated.

He thought I was a bit weird. That's okay. I was amused. And I got him there 5 minutes before his Google maps predicted.

Below is a photo from one of my mileage apps. Disregard the bit at the end as that was two different trips that happened to originate at the same apt complex.

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Gross

Lately, I guess due to flu and whatever else is going around, I have had more than a few congested, snotty nosed, passengers. How do I know this? There is a certain segment of our society who would rather pull lugies down the back of their throat than blow their nose.

I had the radio uo to 22 and I could still hear the woman in the backseat snorkeling snot. It sounded like there was a fucking pig rooting around in the backseat.

For christ sakes. Blow your fucking nose.

Yes. I wipe down the car regularly.

5 times

There are days where I will pick up people from Walmart all day. Another day will be whataburger. Today was strip club day. It started at 130 pm. The club had not even opened yet. 4 Asians from Vancouver. As they are getting out of the car, I say have a good, have a nice, guys, I don't know what to say. They just laughed. I wish I could have said, don't get syphilis. That would have been better.

Picked up a guy that had spent some time in another strip club. I was very uncomfortable. He smelt like sweaty balls. What do you say to a guy who has just spent a few hours watching tits?

Then dropped off 3 strippers at three different clubs.

5 different clubs.

It was a bizarre day.

Note: I only took one person to church yesterday. One. Yesterday was Sunday. The heathens won.

The fastest route?

I picked up two girls in Fort Worth that were high as fuck. One couldn't stop giggling, the other was slurring her words, all of them. It was a long trip and the route was through a lot of surface streets and construction on I 35. We get to I 35 from Northside drive and the blonde giggly one says this:

'When I came home last night from the place we are going to, I found a really good way home. It was so much shorter and faster'

I am thinking, oh shit here we go....she does not like the route gps has chosen. Shit fuck  hell.

The other girl replies ' really? How did you do it?'

The blonde replies: "I can't remember, I don't know".

I have never laughed so hard at a passenger. Never. I snorted a couple of times. Apologized. And said, that was funny. Very funny.

I surmise that she probably came home the same way, but was so fucked up, it seemed really short.....

Solid walls

I drove up to the house. Older house in a shitty neighborhood. The house and yard were nice and tidy. Very nice actually. The man gets in my car. He is almost manic. He is going to pick up a car from an exgirlfriend. So, you can imagine the tales he told me about her.

He gets a phone call from his mother, this guy is in his 50's, they were talking about selling the house. He was like nope. Not going to take less than 70 grand. That house is solid red wood frame. Marble floors. Granite counters. It is solid. Mom, when my gun went off, the bullet did not even go through the wall. The walls are solid.

Wow. True test of craftsmanship. The 9mm test. I will remember that.

Me too

When I look in the rearview mirror, I see the word on his hat. SLUT

Me too brother. Me too.

An interesting thing happened today.......

My friend Faith contacted me today. A friend of hers needed help at her catering business. They needed a dishwasher. So I thought, what the hell. Something different today.

The kitchen is in downtown Fort Worth. I got there, put on my tennis shoes, tied my hair back and commenced to washing dishes. They make individual meals and deliver them. Nice commercial kitchen. During the course of the day, they were becoming more comfortable with me, and I with them.

At one point,  I was watching the chef make a mush out of lentils. Onions, garlic red wine, seasonings....it looked awful. I asked her what she was making. Vegan meatballs. Hmm. Are you going to add Bacon to them? She got me. Everyone in the kitchen laughed. Afterwards, I was offered a sample. Honestly, blech. They were awdul....

So to the interesting thing. Over the weekend, my son Dr Jeffery Hogan, tried to adjust me. I was so tight, he could not get my lower or upper back to move at all. I was in so much pain. He decided to give me a tens unit. I have been using it since I got home on Sunday, and it has been a life saver. I can actually walk without pain. And my spine is moving on its own...

So, I am trying to get all of the uses I can out of the pads. I only got 16....I put the pads on, this is the 4thuse.....not real sticky, on my lower back.

I go to the ladies room, pee. As I am pulling up my pants, both of the pads detach from my back. One drops inside my pants, the other falls into the toilet full of pee. The one that went down my pants is delivering very unpleasant shocks to my inner thigh, I am trying to disconnect the cord from the unit. I am just know that I am going to get electrocuted in the Methodist ladies room. I finally detach the cord. I pull the lead off of the pads. The picture below is the surviving pad. The other was flushed.

I prayed for it not to get stuck in the plumbing. As most of yall know, I am agnostic. But I was thanking God it was only a 9 volt battery.....

My lyft husband is a goofball

He texts me to see if I am available for a ride to the airport. Sure. I look up and then see this......omg. way too funny.

Being a mom

This post has very little to do with being an uber driver, in fact, nothing at all. It is all about being a mom of a 17 year old son.

We went to killeen this weekend to visit my eldest son, Jeffery, and his family. We had a great visit. It was wonderful to get away from the house. Jeff and I went to a beer meeting at his local brew store. It was not what I expected. It was not a meeting. It was a party. We drank a lot of good home brewed beer. A lot. 9% and higher. Ashley, my lovely sober daughter In law, had to come get us. We could not drive.

Today we got a fairly early start. Went to eat breakfast burritos. Then to Lowe's and bed bath and beyond. Bed bath and beyond is where the 'incident' happened. Trevor and I were wandering around looking at stuff. I really want an electric kettle. I make coffee with a French press every morning. I need a kettle. Then we wander into cookware. Trevor picks up a 1 quart pot and says we need it.

Some of yall may know this, I sold pampered chef for more than 3 years. During that time, I acquired a kitchen full of cookware, stoneware and various tools. My cabinets are full. I have 3 sets of cookware. Stainless, non stick and the white nonstick. I have a lot of fucking cookware. And I use it. All my cookware is hand washed. I never ever put it in the dishwasher....

So, my story continues....I am like what? Mom, we need this pot. Why? Because we don't have enough of them. Trevor, I say with great exasperation, we have 3 of those pots and 3 more that are just bigger than that small one!!?? But mom sometimes there is not a clean one. Oh Jesus christ, then WASH IT!! You don't buy new cookware because you don't want to wash a pot.....then he does an Eric cartman.....but mooouuummmm......I walked away. He snickered....

It was not a fart

But good lord women......3 tcu girls pile into the car.  The last one gets right behind me and rips the biggest belch ever belched in my honda civic. It made my hair rustle.....

I was like 'dude'

Um sorry...oh my God candy!!!

Squirrel

Strip clubs

Sometimes I get fares that terminate at the local strip clubs.

I had one today.

At 2:30 pm

He was in a hurry.he was actually counting dollar bills in the backseat. Please note he did not tip me.

I must also add that I am not comfortable taking men to strip clubs. They are just thinking about tits. It is not like we can talk about the weather. Because we both know he is thinking about tits.

We get there. He is getting out of the car, {what do I say}

Have a nice day- the day is virtually over and considering where I am dropping him Off, do I really want him To have a nice time?

Have fun-no. No.no.

Don't get syphilis. Yeah. That is the one that I am going to go with. Don't get syphilis. That just implies that we both know what you want to do in there. My farewell parting implies that you should not do it. Go home with blue balls. Whack off. But don't get syphilis.

And next time tip your driver. I am working through college too. Bastard.

The places you go, the things you see, you never know who you are going to pick up. 

In this case, my future retirement home roommates daughter.

On her way to school. Future anthropologist. 

Yesterday I picked up 2 ladies and took them 4 tenths  of a mile down 8th St in Fort Worth. When they get in the car I say that this is going to be the longest ride if the day. They were like really? I just laughed. It was sprinkling like three hours beforehand.

Epic quotes from tonight

Took a Pakistanian girl to a hookah lounge. We are dropping f bombs and making horrible generalizations about alot of groups. She then told me a story about as a retail clerk, she got cussed out in Spanish, because she did not understand Spanish. So she returned the cuss out in Arabic. She said the lady just stood there, like what the fuck just happened.

Second story

I pick up 4 oriental young men from a Asian tea room. They are total hipsters. Hair, clothes, backpacks, phones with power supplies, and even a hockey like face mask. GPS totally goofed up on me. I was preparing to take a left turn from under the highway, I took the left turn while realizing too late that I no longer had the green light.  I have never been so close to getting hit by 3 cars....during the entire turn I am screaming FUCK ME!!FUCK ME FUCK ME!@ They are all screaming like little girls.....we did not get hit....the dude next to me said: "THAT WAS DOPE"

OMG

A great day

I had the best time at Joanns today. I needed yarn and some contrasting fabric for a shirt that I am going to make. I also found some contrasting fabric for Trevor's robe. That is a whole other story.

Then I find this in the mccalls book

. Ecstatic is not even the word. I had found this pattern online, but it was not in the stores. It would have cost nearly 20 bucks with shipping. Too much. Today, I got it for 1.99.

I was so excited I was just about to burst. And I got the last one!! I hovered around the book table and finally, I could not hold it in any longer. There were two women sitting at the book table. Slowly going through pattern books. I gushed all over them. How I found the pattern. Then it wasn't in the store. And that I finally found it. Right then. In the book. In the drawer. The last one!!! Look. I held it in both hands and showed it to them.

These two women both looked up, sniffed the air, then continued flipping through the books. I was stunned. But then I was like, fuck these bitches. They aren't bringing me down. As a was feeling up calico and batiks, I shared my story 3 times to perfect strangers. Fanning myself with the pattern. I was pretty worked up. If there had been a half way decent smelling man there,  I would have molested him on the spot.

By the time the cut lady was done with your fabrics, I was wishing some ladies good fortune on their projects and them with mine. I left Joanns floating on air.

Great day

Skimmed the "dossier"

....true or not, one of the most prophetic statements said in my car by a passenger. 'Tanya, people don't get to those types of powerful positions, unless someone more powerful has something on them.'

Apparently, truth is golden.....

I am going to post it here. As I found it hard to read on my mobile device....so.