Labor and Delivery

My best friend, Angie, was super excited that she was going to be able to help a coworker birth her baby.  Angie arrived at the house, while she was eating dinner, I offered to go with her.  Knowing full well, I could be in for a long night.

I was.

We arrived at the hospital, got settled into a room, and wait for the inducement to begin.  This was the sixth baby.  She had been through it before, however, first inducement.  Needless to say, she was nervous.

So, I do what I do best.  Let my full personality go.  This can be a dangerous thing to do. There are a lot of people that cannot handle full on, in your face, crude, honest and amazingly funny (modest) Tanya.  Yeah, I just did that.  She could handle it.  I think I used the word Cunt, 43 times.  Don't worry, I only used it when it was appropriate.

I was into a really good story, F bombs were flying.  The C word was flying.  And, the nurses kept checking her cervix.  Angie and I had a solution for that, the blanket

....I finished it before 11.  We used it as a privacy curtain.  We would hold it up to protect ourselves.  I digress.  Then at about 10 pm, the woman next door starts screaming.  I don't mean a little yell, or yipe, a full on scream.  We had finally settled our patient down.  We told the hospital staff that I was the midwife and Angie was the babies daddy. Then the woman is screaming.  She is nervous again.  Then Angie and I start making fun of the screamer....that worked.

One side of the little love seat turned into a pull out bed.  I took the first shift of sleeping.  Woke up a couple of times. Offered the 'bed' to Angie.  She declined. Finally at 5 am, she took it.  I warned her that I had named the 'bed' the rib cracker.  The metal bars were right at the ribs.  Very uncomfortable.

I sit on the other side of the loveseat, prop my feet on Angies 'bed', scoot my butt to the edge of the cushion, then lean into the seat back, and fall back to sleep.  Angie and I shared the blanket.  We slept like this for about 3 hours.

When 9am rolled around, coffee was desperately needed. Downstairs to the coffee kiosk.  The oldest employeed woman in Tarrant county worked that coffee counter alone.  She was about 100.  She moved like she was 110.  I ordered a cup of coffee.  I reflected on the woman age and agility.  I decided that I could not be responsible for any injuries if I ordered something like a latte.  That bitch Angie order a Venti Carmel Machiatto with extra pumps and extra shots.  I was like, FUCK. It took forever.  I asked the centenarian to leave room for cream.  I went over to the half and half, it was empty.  I asked for it to be filled.  Meanwhile, Angie asks me, what is half and half?  I looked at her, and said It is like half of the cream, then they add the other half of the cream.  I could see out of the corner of my eye.  The people in the line behind us, about 5 deep, are looking at me in disbelief. Then I said, yep, that is how they do it.

So, we watch the Comey hearings.  I needed nicotine.  I had my vape.  But no vaping smoking in the hospital. But I was like, Fuck it.  I start vaping.  At one point, Doctors and nurses enter the room.  They were like, it smells good in here.  Angie said that we had just ate.  She was like no, it is like cotton candy.  I said oh, that is my gum.  Angie said yeah, her breathe is amazing.  Then I exhaled really violently and loud.  I said, yes it is.  All the while moving my vape behind the coffee cup.

So, it is about 130, we are hungry.  I order Subway from Uber, to get it delivered to the hospital. If you would like to get $10 off your first order, download ubereats and use this code: 5DALEATS1434

Thank you in advance.

She feels pressure.  They check her. She is a 10. My food is 5 minutes away.  I run downstairs. get the food.  Get back upstairs.  10 minutes tops.  She had the damn baby.  She pushed one time. I walk in with two subway sandwiches.  Angie is crying. She pushed once!! The baby was in the warmer getting wiped down.

  I got to touch a baby that was only minutes old.  I touched his face and he relaxed.  Such a beautiful baby.  Angie got to hold the baby first.  She took him to mom.  I sat down and ate.  I gobbled down that fucking sandwich.  When mom started eating.  I got the baby. Then the nurse brought in the bottle.  I got to feed the baby.  It was so precious.


We left about 2 hours later.  The baby swaddled.  The mother fed and content.  We are home.  We are tired.  It is hard being a smart ass with a big heart.