This hummer insults my senses on so many levels. Why in the hell would someone put these rims and tires on an off road vehicle? Then there are 2 canvas chairs rotting on top of the stupid looking thing.

Clearly status is more important than practicality.

What if you could call in to a radio talk show.....What would you like to talk about?

It has been awhile.

Lots of change.

All good though.

Between 5-7 cst , tune in to my new radio program: rolling with Roxie and Bill.

Download the app: tunein
find: joco community radio.....

Please tell your friends. People can listen from around the world.

Like our Facebook page: rolling with Roxie and Bill

Toss my tresses

You know we all see the lists of 27 things you can do to save money. I read those lists, and found one that I tried. Washing my hair with Apple cider vinegar.

First, I washed my hair with shampoo. As I had used hair spray and wanted to get all of that out. So, I start pouring a small amount of vinegar on the top of my already wet head. Rubbing it in. Then I made a huge mistake. I looked down. My eyes. Oh my fucking god. My eyes were burning like hell.  So i turn towards the shower to rinse out my eyeballs. Fuck. Now the Vinegar is in my mouth. Yuck. Spit. Cough. Cuss. Just when I think it could not get any worse, it went into another hole. Not that one you degenerates. My nose. Somehow, a good bit of it went up my goddamn nose. Now my eyes are watering, I can still taste it, and my nostrils are burning.

Now you are probably thinking, omg, I will never ever put vinegar on my hair. But you should. My hair is soft and feels healthier. Just close your damn eyes. Shut your mouth and don't breathe.

Captain Underpants

Well actually, Princess no under pants.  The story follows.

One of my worst fears is that I am going to miss a pick up appointment.  Last night I dutifully went to bed early enough to be rested when my alarm went off at 5 am.  I set my alarm, at least I thought I did.

I woke up at 624.  My passenger is 35 minutes away.  I need to be there by 7 am.  I peed, brushed my teeth, put on my pants, bra and blouse. No underwear.  There just was not any time to put them on.  I run out the door.  Arrive at her house at 703.

So now I am a little calmer, got her to the airport. Took her luggage out, get back in the car, put the car in drive, it stays in park.  Shit Fuck Damn. I knew what the problem was, a bushing.  a thirty cent bushing.  Call a tow truck. Wait for an hour.

The tow truck driver was a very nice young man in his mid 30's. We are passing time talking about general stuff.  He has children and a wife.  So I ask how many children does he have....9.  What the hell?? 9 kids.  All between 15 and 2.  At this point in the conversation I am very relieved that I had not mentioned that I was not wearing any panties.  Even though I don't carry a uterus, I was afraid that this young stallion could somehow impregnate me!!

He drops me off.  The mechanic knows exactly what needs to be done to fix the car.  As this is a common problem with trailblazers.  He fixes it in 30 minutes. Kristen came to the repair shop so that I could get cash to pay the mechanic.  I hid $4 in her car.  That was fun.  Telling someone that has OCD that you have changed their space by hiding something, is very entertaining.

The car is fixed.  I still don't have any panties on.  I am going to drink some coffee first.  Maybe I will go without panties all day today.  I am going to live on the wild side.

yep.  Princess no underpants.

Radio

A few weeks ago a friend of mine approached me about hosting a radio show.  It is internet radio.  Interesting.

So today I was asked to be a guest on her show.  It was a lot of fun.  Originally I thought I would do a show centered around Uber experiences.  But as I think about it a little bit more, I am leaning more towards just using my natural wit and unique insight on this little world of ours.  I was able to throw in a couple of tidbits today.  It was fun.

So, along with guests, I also am looking for sponsorship.  A business could sponsor the show for as little as $50 a week.

Let me know if you want more information.

Rollin with Roxie out.

Garage Sale Today

OMG. You guessed it, we had so much fun.  We were not very busy.  So, we picked on each other in between customers.

So, this is in the garage sale.

We positioned it over some cookware.  This was strategic.  As everyone that passed by would pick up this ugly thing.

We were waiting for someone to lift up the beard to expose this.

We got very very close.  A hispanic family stopped by.  The mother was going through the clothes that were laid out on sheets.  The daughters, about ages 9 and 18, were browsing the tables.  All of us got real quiet. We were watching the girls.  The oldest girl picked up the caveman doll. She shows it to her younger sister. All of the air was sucked out of the garage where we were sitting.  Because all 4 of us sucked in air at the same time.  Keep in mind that we had an industrial fan blowing on us hard at the time. So to evacuate the entire space of air, was very very impressive.  So she is dangling this thing in front of her sisters face. Shaking it back and forth. The giggles.  Stifling giggles.  There were lips bitten, blood was drawn.  All of us had a look of engaged horror.  But not one of us tried to stop it.  Then she laid the doll down.  The air was released back into the room. We were like oh my god.  That could have been really really bad. Yeah. Really bad. Really really bad.

the funniest garage sale moment ever.

Happy 4th of July

We attended the 4th of July parade in Burleson Texas.  The only reason I went is because Trevor was marching in the parade.  So, here we go.

I drop Trevor and the sousaphone off at the middle school.  I find a sweet spot with plenty of parking and lots of road frontage.  I let Angie know where I am located.  She was running a little late.  So I expected her to come down one of the side streets.  I WAS so WRONG.  That bitch is driving her little red car down the parade route.  A motorcycle cop starts pursuing her, lights on sirens blaring.  She passes me.  I don't know how she could miss me, I was dressed in pink and swinging my arms like a monkey, but she did.  Drove right by me with a motorcycle policeman chasing her in slow pursuit.

After we all got situated, in chairs and the dog, Dazy supplied with water, the parade began.  It was a slow parade 9 fire trucks, and 17 grand marshals. I brought the Allen Patterson bullhorn.  The grand marshals were all in separate cars marked grand marshal.  I got on the bullhorn, you all cannot be grand marshals!!  An old man from car number 3 yelled at me: "Grand Marshals are all purple heart veterans."  Well shit.  Thank you for your service.  Damn.

As mentioned previously, we brought Dazy.  She weighs on the heavy side of 125.  She is great Pyrenees mixed with Australian Shepard. She is a show stopper.  The Mayor of Burleson got off of his float to pet her.  A float of young children went by us, saw the dog, they all gasped at the same time and simultaneously threw candy at Angie and I.  I mean, they pelted us.  Dazy had a lollipop stuck in her tail through the rest of the parade.

We did our thing which consists of making snide remarks and allowed people to pet the dog. When Trevor's band went by us, we were loud and proud.

As long as Trevor is in band, I will attend the parade.

Yeah, we wore matching shirts.

Today, I was told i could do anything I wanted in this house but make kimchi.

Might be a deal breaker.

I don't know if I am going to be able to fully capture the events of last night. I cannot even think of the correct adjective to describe it. Scary, hilarious, dumbfounding....you tell me.

Trevor had two friends over last night. They did what most teenage boys do, they played xbox till they got bored then came out into the living room with Angie and I.  The living room is large.  There is a big L shaped sofa, the Cindy Crawford chair, a true piece of shit chair.  It is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I have ever sat in.  There are also 3 dogs.  They range in size from 45-140 pounds.  I am laying on one end of the sofa, Angie is in the piece of shit chair. The boys come in, Trevor sits next to me, Austin gets comfortable in the corner and Randy sits on the end of the L.

We are all talking and having a pretty good time.  Angie and I are making fun of the boys.  Needling them you know.  We enjoy doing that. We think that Randy may be either a little bit bi polar or just real stupid. So, he is real fun to fuck with.  Austin is stoic, quiet and along for the ride.

There is another character that will soon be introduced to the scene, Tom.  Tom is very bipolar.  He had been ramping up all afternoon.  Drank some wine, and he was tuned all the way up. Angie and I basically just ignore Tom when he is in this state, as it really does not matter if we pay attention or not.  Words bounce off of him.  And he is going to say and do exactly what he wants no matter what our reaction.

So, Randy starts praising Trump.  The second time that he said something positive about Trump, Tom walked through the living room.  Angie and I knew instantly, Tom was triggered.  There is a lot of shit going on right now that really concerns Tom. He starts ranting in Randys direction.  He goes into the kitchen, ranting the entire time, he intends to get a beer out of the refrigerator, but instead comes back with a full bottle of ranch dressing.  I was wondering, is he going to beat the child with the hidden valley ranch? It was the largest bottle ever sold.  (Side note: Angie is attempting to buy Trevors love with salad dressing). He goes back into the kitchen, gets the can of beer continues ranting. It really does not matter what words he said, but they included: You little fuck, bastard, dumbass, retard, who do you think you are, you are in my house, I am going to my room, when I come out, I want you out of my fucking house.  etc etc.

At first, Angie and I were giggling....we hid behind our quilts not believing our good luck at the unexpected entertainment. We knew the progression of the building rage, we also knew that it would wane. He just needs to get it out......Most people would have shut the fuck up and stopped poking the beast.  But not Randy.  He is a 17 year old boy who listens to Fox and believes all the hype, who is also bi polar, he would not shut the fuck up.  Tom is not a big man.  About 5'10 or so, average weight. He looks a little like Charles Manson when he is lucid.  His skull appears to be about an inch thick.  His hair is long mostly gray. At this point he looks a lot like Jack Nicholson in the shining when he is chopping his way through the bathroom door....except with long wild gray hair.  Tom loomed over Randy, who obliviously ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese as if nothing was going on. Lapping it up, licking the spoon, scraping the side of the bowl, thoroughly enjoying the meal.  It was unreal.  Tom is tuned up to 100. The dogs are barking.  Angie is trying to get this stupid kid to shut up, then Randy sees that Tom has a vape. Can I try it he asks? Tom hands it to him.  I was astounded.  While he is vaping, he throws out the question, do you like Obama??

Oh jesus fucking god.

The smallest dog, bucky and arguably the least intelligent of the three, did not like the chaos. She began barking.  A real high pitch bark.  Even though Tom was by far the loudest, pacing and using his arms like wings, she sided with everyone else in the house, she did not like Randy at all.  Angie held her by the collar. She would lay down on her side, bark and whine to herself. Stand back up and bark some more.

This child was bashing liberals, gays, transexuals, Obama, open borders, Hillary, Bernie....all the hot topics from the extreme right hate list. It would have been different if they were conversation starters, but this kid was baiting. Angie and I asked him who does he know that is gay, liberal, loves obama etc etc.  None of his pontifications were based on any personal experience.  We suggested that he should do some research and maybe watch some Cspan, but in the meantime, he needed to shut the fuck up.

Then he says if we turn off the ceiling fan, he will blow smoke rings for us.  Dude we are not interested in your damn smoke rings.

The last insult, I got up before anyone else and went to the restroom.  There was a puddle of pee on the floor in front of the toilet.  I asked Trevor to move the swiffer and pinesol into the bathroom and tell the boys someone, I don't care who, needs to clean it up.  Trevor comes back into the living room, Randy claimed that the dogs peed on the floor.  All the dogs are female and do not pee in the house.  Period.  I went into the bedroom. Guys, the dogs did not pee on the floor.  I don't care which one of you did it, but I want it cleaned up.  It was cleaned up.  I don't know who did it.  I don't care.

Trevor has had many friends come over to spend the night for the past 12 years or so, this was by far the worst experience ever.  Needless to say, Randy will not be invited EVER again.

Labor and Delivery

My best friend, Angie, was super excited that she was going to be able to help a coworker birth her baby.  Angie arrived at the house, while she was eating dinner, I offered to go with her.  Knowing full well, I could be in for a long night.

I was.

We arrived at the hospital, got settled into a room, and wait for the inducement to begin.  This was the sixth baby.  She had been through it before, however, first inducement.  Needless to say, she was nervous.

So, I do what I do best.  Let my full personality go.  This can be a dangerous thing to do. There are a lot of people that cannot handle full on, in your face, crude, honest and amazingly funny (modest) Tanya.  Yeah, I just did that.  She could handle it.  I think I used the word Cunt, 43 times.  Don't worry, I only used it when it was appropriate.

I was into a really good story, F bombs were flying.  The C word was flying.  And, the nurses kept checking her cervix.  Angie and I had a solution for that, the blanket

....I finished it before 11.  We used it as a privacy curtain.  We would hold it up to protect ourselves.  I digress.  Then at about 10 pm, the woman next door starts screaming.  I don't mean a little yell, or yipe, a full on scream.  We had finally settled our patient down.  We told the hospital staff that I was the midwife and Angie was the babies daddy. Then the woman is screaming.  She is nervous again.  Then Angie and I start making fun of the screamer....that worked.

One side of the little love seat turned into a pull out bed.  I took the first shift of sleeping.  Woke up a couple of times. Offered the 'bed' to Angie.  She declined. Finally at 5 am, she took it.  I warned her that I had named the 'bed' the rib cracker.  The metal bars were right at the ribs.  Very uncomfortable.

I sit on the other side of the loveseat, prop my feet on Angies 'bed', scoot my butt to the edge of the cushion, then lean into the seat back, and fall back to sleep.  Angie and I shared the blanket.  We slept like this for about 3 hours.

When 9am rolled around, coffee was desperately needed. Downstairs to the coffee kiosk.  The oldest employeed woman in Tarrant county worked that coffee counter alone.  She was about 100.  She moved like she was 110.  I ordered a cup of coffee.  I reflected on the woman age and agility.  I decided that I could not be responsible for any injuries if I ordered something like a latte.  That bitch Angie order a Venti Carmel Machiatto with extra pumps and extra shots.  I was like, FUCK. It took forever.  I asked the centenarian to leave room for cream.  I went over to the half and half, it was empty.  I asked for it to be filled.  Meanwhile, Angie asks me, what is half and half?  I looked at her, and said It is like half of the cream, then they add the other half of the cream.  I could see out of the corner of my eye.  The people in the line behind us, about 5 deep, are looking at me in disbelief. Then I said, yep, that is how they do it.

So, we watch the Comey hearings.  I needed nicotine.  I had my vape.  But no vaping smoking in the hospital. But I was like, Fuck it.  I start vaping.  At one point, Doctors and nurses enter the room.  They were like, it smells good in here.  Angie said that we had just ate.  She was like no, it is like cotton candy.  I said oh, that is my gum.  Angie said yeah, her breathe is amazing.  Then I exhaled really violently and loud.  I said, yes it is.  All the while moving my vape behind the coffee cup.

So, it is about 130, we are hungry.  I order Subway from Uber, to get it delivered to the hospital. If you would like to get $10 off your first order, download ubereats and use this code: 5DALEATS1434

Thank you in advance.

She feels pressure.  They check her. She is a 10. My food is 5 minutes away.  I run downstairs. get the food.  Get back upstairs.  10 minutes tops.  She had the damn baby.  She pushed one time. I walk in with two subway sandwiches.  Angie is crying. She pushed once!! The baby was in the warmer getting wiped down.

  I got to touch a baby that was only minutes old.  I touched his face and he relaxed.  Such a beautiful baby.  Angie got to hold the baby first.  She took him to mom.  I sat down and ate.  I gobbled down that fucking sandwich.  When mom started eating.  I got the baby. Then the nurse brought in the bottle.  I got to feed the baby.  It was so precious.


We left about 2 hours later.  The baby swaddled.  The mother fed and content.  We are home.  We are tired.  It is hard being a smart ass with a big heart.

Head (s)

I have got to admit something, I pick up stuff from the side of the road. I have found some really cool shit over the years. Lamps, tables, microrowaves, toys, guitars, and heads.

I saw these while I had a passenger in the car.

 I stopped. I said look at those. I want them. The dude in the backseat said, I will get them for you. And he did.

I had to explain to the next passenger why I had two doll heads in my backseat. She acted like she saw creepy shit everyday.

Family

This post has nothing to do with uber.

Over the past couple of weeks I have watched an entire family unit struggle with the health and wellbeing of a four legged member of the family. A 14 year old german shepard. She sure showed her age. Deaf, nearly blind, arthritis through her entire body. Over the past few weeks, she had declined. No tail wags. No joy at seeing her pack members. Just a daily struggle for just about everything.

Over the past few days, daughters and friends visited. Embracing the old girl. Bringing meaty bones that she could barely chew. Sneaking her tidbits off their plates. They switched off spending the night. Everyone struggling with the decision that had been made. Her Last 24 hours included a half dozen donuts and a couple pounds of cooked chicken. Lots of hugs, chin rubs and tears.

Yesterday was the day. She passed peacefully in her best friends arms. Meanwhile, at home, we were digging a hole. A pecan tree was purchased. I must mention that the digging party was pitiful. We tried to teach the young how to operate a shovel. We failed miserably. We took turns. Daughters, fiances, grandmother, grandfather, dad and I all helped dig the hole. Wide, long and deep.

When it was time to lay the old girl to rest, they all circled round, placed dirt on her, said goodbye one last time, and buried her.

As I stood in the kitchen watching the scene out the back window, I was touched by this wonderful family. They all loved her.

Rest in peace Kali.

Delivering food

Took two sausage burritos and orange juice to a high school. I went to the wrong entrance. I was so kisses off. I was yelling fuck fuck fuck at the door at the wall at the sidewalk.

I fucking hate delivering food

Berning man

today we went to see Bernie Sanders at Verizon theatre in grand prairie. First off, they made us pay to park. There was nothing about parking in any of the postings of the events. I was a bit ticked. Soon got over it though. 10 bucks gone.

We pull into the parking lot and park. Two cars. Some of us were finishing our Whataburger. I look over at the car next to us. A very handsome black man, gay, but handsome, gets out of his car. He has two boiled eggs in a Ziploc. I am like dude, you bringing eggs to a Bernie rally? He looked at me, then the eggs. Then told me that he was going to consume the eggs. I was like, just checking....pretty good laugh.

We get inside find great seating. Then I see a man that is a paramedic wandering around looking for people that are passed out. As he passes in front of us, I say excuse me, do you have any medical marijuana? He said no, but he had recreational.

Then we are rousted by an usher. She wants us to move. We resist. She offers is VIP seating. Let's go bitches. We are 3 rows from the front.

Perfect location to do this:

Squirrel

Sometimes I pick up peoe that are desperate for my services. Uber does not service the majority of the city I live in. I got a call. 3 ladies stranded in Burleson. Since they were upset, the phone call was a bit tense. But by the time I got there, they had settled down.

On the way to grand prairie, we sang Prince and Michael Jackson. They spotted my candy basket, indulged in mints. Then offered extra mints to one lady. She had 'wifely duties to perform. 7 minutes of wifely duties.

When we arrived at their destination, I offered her another piece of candy. I told her, please be careful and I hope that you are finished in 6 minutes.

Nice road

I had a young man in my car this morning. He waits tables at on the border. Training to be a bartender. He also does home improvement on the side.

We are on 635 where it crosses over Dallas North tollaway. He mentions that he worked on this 2 mile stretch for 2 years.

I asked him if he carved his name into the cement anywhere. 'Sergio was here'. No. But he thought it was a good idea. I then told him that stretch of 635 was my favorite part of the highway. So smooth and easy to drive on.....he thought I was serious. Thanks. But actually, I was thought it was pretty funny. I thought I was pretty funny.

Last night I met my brother to get Trevor. They went snowboarding in Colorado. We met at the love's truck stop in Burleson. We had so much fun.

Keith Miller and Tommy met us too. My brother lives on a highly modified prevost Bus. Tommy asked to use the bathroom. Jason shows him how to use the toilet and inferred that he would appreciate if he did not pee everywhere.  We were all standing around. I said, you know, Tommy has epilepsy. Jason was like oh wow. I said yeah. But he only has seizures when he is urinating........then I made motion like he was peeing everywhere.......too funny.

So we are outside the bus being silly. Jason needs to leave but there was an 18 wheeler block the way, a woman is leaned up against it, so we are just hanging out. THEN a massive row truck comes in really fast, screeches to a stop. The guy flies out of the cab, run around the truck. Fast walks to the 18 wheeler, and then starts pick in the door lock 🔐. We had so much fun at their expense. We were brutal. THEN after he got the door unlocked, she goes back to the bay and starts to clean her windows....she really deserved everything she got.....

We should have felt bad. But we didn't.

April 2016

On the way to taking a rider home, we stopped at 7-11 for cat food. I told him that I was going to use the facilities against my better judgement. As most of you know by now, 7-11, in my experience, have the most disgusting bathrooms.

This one was no different. It was horrible. In order to keep it in the same shape as it ways when I entered, i peed on the floor. Somewhat by accident. (Believe me???) My hovering skills are lacking.